There should be one more..

I was asked last night how many kids I had my immediate response was 6.. I have six living kids that I am shopping for that I am getting things for.. But my actual thought was 7. I have seven kids and I bravely said I've actually had 7 but lost my son.  There should be one more another little boy running around well at least learning to walk and toddle around..  A little blonde haired brown eyed little boy, playing carefree screeching with his brothers and sisters. However, I'm resigned to the fact that he is the little Cardinal who flies through our back yard chirping away.. While everything with in me screams there should be one more the one you aren't seeing today.. It breaks my heart that the one more isn't here isn't doing the things he should be, that his brothers and sisters are missing him fiercely. 

My heart aches for that one more only having his tiny hand prints and footprints a little teddy bear with an engraved heart with his initials. It's not enough. I'm missing his laugh his cry his possible terrible twos starting to develop his personality, the toddler hugs and kisses. I'm missing so much more then anyone could ever conceive.. With anything that we do or anything I think about I'm always thinking but there should be one more..

One of the kids asked me how will the baby ever know her older brother and that broke my heart. We will just have to tell her about him. But is that enough?? It feels like there should be more only there isn't. 

They remember

Sometimes I sit here and think about whether the kids will remember the brother they lost so young and so fragile. Tonight while I was cleaning a few things up Joshua says to me out of the blue quite frankly I really miss Ethan cause he is so far away.. I begin to cry and say yes he is he is very far away sweet heart, Joshua says He was really good and you were good too you did good but he's sleeping.. He was really strong like me do you remember mom?? 😭😭😭 yes I remember. How does Joshua remember these things? He had just turned 2? 

The fact that he remembers brings me to tears the fact that he knows brings me tears. I don't ever want him to forget his brother but it hurts so so bad knowing that he is gone and never coming back. It's ok to miss him.. I do.. I miss him all the time.. 

Mother's Day.

A day that's supposed to be happy and full of grateful feelings. Instead, I feel sad. Of course I have plenty of reasons to be happy, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have my children, but one is still missing.. The pain that comes from that is so overwhelming. My beautiful little boy taken so soon. I miss him I miss his smile I miss his soft skin and beautiful eyes. My heart breaks because his existence was so short, yet it was real he was here he was loved he was cherished, but now that he's gone it's as if so many people forget him.. Even I leave him out on occasion. People ask how many kids do you have and the easy answer is 5. The true answer is 6. Trying to explain that your youngest passed away people give you this look, or say something incredibly hard like oh he's in a better place.. No, please I can't bare to hear that.. But he's left out of most things left off of cards, as if he wasn't here. I carried him for 9 months I loved him with a love that some couldn't even imagine. I wanted this boy with everything within me. 

I ask God why why did he have to go so soon, it hurts so bad. Then there are times I see the beautiful little red cardinal and I know Ethan is there.. While it's comforting  it's bittersweet because the mama in me wants him in my arms. I want to give him one more hug see one more smile tell him just how much I love him. Hold his sweet little body close and tell him everything he deserves to hear, and those are the things I want for Mother's Day. I don't really want anything else. I just want to see all of my kids running happy and free loving life. I want to give them all hugs and watch them picking flowers innocent and carefree. They all are what makes me a mom. I am grateful for them all of them and I appreciate watching them and seeing them enjoy but I still miss my youngest my son my sweet baby.. 

The innocence is gone

It's more then the innocence, it's the joy the hope the dreams.. All of those things are gone. 

I can never look at a sleeping child the same way again. If a nap is longer then I think it should be my heart gallops to the wrong conclusion. The rush of anxiety that overcomes me and makes me rush to see that they are still breathing still living still with me. 

I can never look at pregnancy the same. I can be happy for those who have that life growing with in them but the thoughts of all that can go wrong plague my thoughts. The fear for that mother to never have to experience what i have. 

The hope for what was to be is gone the joy of watching that life unfold before me taken. Stolen. A piece of me, a very large piece of who I am who I was lost that day.  

The joy of new life the innocence that new life brings to you all stolen. And never ever to be the same because I know what it's like to lose I know what it's like to have it all taken away and my heart breaks for that innocence gone from me. 

What have I done..

Every once in a while life has a way of working all of it's stuff out, a hidden truth uncovered, a deception revealed, lies exposed. Even when things are done with the best intentions, the right thing is what needs to be done. Taking matters into your own hands are unacceptable. You may think you are doing the right thing by protecting someone but in the end your only causing more pain. 

I wanted to save someone from hurt and pain in the end I only caused more. In the end I only made it more painful and more hurtful then if I would have just told them from the start things would have still been painful but not nearly painful as it is now. 

How do I fix it now?? How do I make it better?? How do I heal the wounds? How do I come to terms and help the other come to terms with what was done.  

Everything that I though, everything I told myself was absolutely wrong. My heart is having such a hard time grasping the gravity of what I caused.. 

But I will make it better I will work to restore faith and I will work to prove that I am what they believed in.. 

Plans

I have hope for a future, but my heart is broken and shattered.. I ask God why? But I know he gave me what I asked for.. He answered my prayers now I pray again for the hope and the for the future 

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God knows the and but I will never understand the anguish and hurt that has beset my family. I need His grace his mercy and his love to get through all of it.. And though I don't understand and I hurt more then anyone can ever imagine I know there is an ultimate plan somewhere.. 

It still hurts it will always hurt.. I will always carry this burden. I ache my heart aches my body aches every part of me aches for what I am missing. For what was taken from me far too soon.. 

Sometimes people need to mind their own business. You are trying to cope as best you can. Holding on to any hope any link of possibility. Then people open their mouths and just completely take away everything with one little comment.. And really you just want to tell the person you don't know what it's like to be me so don't even try.. You think you can do better walking in my shoes? I'd like to see you try.. You think you have it all figured out? How?! Cause I can't even wrap my head or heart around it all.. People please think before you speak because listening to your snarky unthought out comments hurt. Do have any idea how much it takes to tell someone how you feel? Then to have a snarky jerk make a dumb comment! Someone really should just smack you upside your head!