Mother's Day.

A day that's supposed to be happy and full of grateful feelings. Instead, I feel sad. Of course I have plenty of reasons to be happy, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have my children, but one is still missing.. The pain that comes from that is so overwhelming. My beautiful little boy taken so soon. I miss him I miss his smile I miss his soft skin and beautiful eyes. My heart breaks because his existence was so short, yet it was real he was here he was loved he was cherished, but now that he's gone it's as if so many people forget him.. Even I leave him out on occasion. People ask how many kids do you have and the easy answer is 5. The true answer is 6. Trying to explain that your youngest passed away people give you this look, or say something incredibly hard like oh he's in a better place.. No, please I can't bare to hear that.. But he's left out of most things left off of cards, as if he wasn't here. I carried him for 9 months I loved him with a love that some couldn't even imagine. I wanted this boy with everything within me. 

I ask God why why did he have to go so soon, it hurts so bad. Then there are times I see the beautiful little red cardinal and I know Ethan is there.. While it's comforting  it's bittersweet because the mama in me wants him in my arms. I want to give him one more hug see one more smile tell him just how much I love him. Hold his sweet little body close and tell him everything he deserves to hear, and those are the things I want for Mother's Day. I don't really want anything else. I just want to see all of my kids running happy and free loving life. I want to give them all hugs and watch them picking flowers innocent and carefree. They all are what makes me a mom. I am grateful for them all of them and I appreciate watching them and seeing them enjoy but I still miss my youngest my son my sweet baby..