Monday, January 28, 2019

Not a Day Goes by.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about my son. He's been gone for four long agonizing years now. Every single day my heart aches to know him, to know what kind of little boy he would be. To see his personality blossom to know that he was my sweet little loving boy. I miss him so much. Every part of me misses him. Every part of me just wants more. I loved him so so much, I still love him, but he's gone so the love that I have for him feels as if there's no place for it to go. I hold on to it because in a way i feel like its me holding on to him.

In september he would be starting kindergarten. The time i would have had him all to my self would be coming to an end and i would be getting ready to send him off to the school. We missed being able to go on the bus ride the other day. You know the one ive gone on with all the kids where they get so excited that they get to ride the big yellow school bus for the first time. We missed that. I missed that. All the things we will never get to do. All the times i could be doing this or that.

There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think about him, or how much i love and miss him. There isn't a day that goes by where i wish i still had him. where i wish i could hug him hold him kiss him.

A grieving mother

A Grieving Mother,
She could be any one you know, she doesn’t wear a badge or cape or crown her tears are all that marks her face 
She looks like any other woman you see 
But hides her fears her pain and tears from you and me 
She cries in the shower where no one will know or at night so no one can see her tear stained pillow 
She carries a weight so monumental
And has a hole in her heart that’s beyond repair
At night she dreams of her sweet child only to wake up to her torturous reality her child is gone and they aren’t coming back
You may see her with a smile but don’t be fooled by what you see underneath that smile is more pain than you can imagine 
She will hold things in to make you more comfortable because she knows the truth can leave one broken. 
She goes about her day just like everyone else but wonders often about how it could or should have been
The love she has in her heart is so pure and true because she knows what it means to have love and lost she also knows what it means to have her love stretch between heaven and earth.. 
Her strength carries her from day to day even when she feels like she’ll never make it
She’s lost more than just her child she’s lost who she was and she will never be the same her life is now split in two 
Many will tell her with time it will get better, or time heals all wounds but the truth is the loss of her child is one that time can’t erase how can one get past losing a piece of themselves. 
Children aren’t supposed to go before their parents 
She knows that the worst case scenario can happen and prays it never happens again 
So when you see a grieving mother know that there’s more there than what you see be kind be gracious she’s living her worst nightmare day after day something she wouldn’t wish on anyone ever 


Wednesday, December 30, 2015

A new year is not a magical reset

New Years resolutions abound, people tell you, oh this next year will be amazing this next year will bring so many good memories. Those people don't have crystal balls those people are just feeding a line that's been fed year after year.  The past few years I went into the new year with the most positive of attitudes it has to be better then the year before right?? HELL NO!! That shit is one great big lie.. The ringing in of a new year doesn't mean there's some magical dial that makes everything good. Things still suck things bad things are still gonna happen. 2014, January hit I lost my son, I now hate the month of January, let's see January alone I've lost a grand mother grand father son a good friend another grandfather, my sister moved to another state.. January is not a great month. Granted I've also had another son and a daughter both born in January. But the new year isn't some magical reset. It doesn't wipe away the pain and grief from the year or years before  for a lot of us it brings about more pain and more grief with the realization of how long our love ones have been gone.. Trying to find the positive in a new year seems to become more difficult as the years go on. I broke down in the grocery store last year on New Year's Eve because I didn't want to have the new year come the new year meant I'd been with out my son for a year. I cried and cried walking through the store because it was so painful to think of. This past year my kids lost their nana so as the new year approaches its going to be a year without her. 

As far as resolutions go most people stop trying and drop their resolutions by mid January. So much for resolutions.! I don't know what this next year will hold I don't know what more could happen, but i know the new year is still too painful to think about still too painful of a reminder of things hat have happened. Yes I know there are good things like birthdays and other holidays but there are still many painful days to get through, I do wish some people would recognize that with the coming of a new year that generates a painful feeling not a good feeling or a feeling of relief.  

Saturday, December 12, 2015

"You have the worst luck ever"

People say that way to often someone gets in an accident "omg you have the worst luck ever" it would seem as though people don't know what it is to have the worst luck ever.. Like suddenly losing a loved one because of a heart attack or getting a cancer diagnosis or suddenly losing your baby to sids then less than a week later losing another loved one.. No one says that person has the worst luck ever. But seriously that a bad grouping of bad luck people are so quick to say things with out thinking. Guess what it could have been 1000x worse.. So what your car got a booboo you didn't your not laid up your car isn't totalled you aren't in critical condition I think that's pretty damn good luck if you ask me.. It drives me nuts when people make a mountain out of an ant hill and make the most mundane things seem like "the worst things ever" 

Friday, December 11, 2015

'Tis the season

Everyone says it all the time 'tis the season.. Everyone is thinking about what they want what they need what has to be done. Me? I spent my day crying. I needed to hang the ribbons on my tree, the last time i used them though my son was still alive he was only a couple months old he was so sweet not quite yet smiling but is face so precious. I cried a lot while putting those ribbons on. I didn't use them last year I couldn't I just couldn't bring myself to using them, in fact I barely put ornaments on the tree.. Last year I expected to be difficult. Not this year I expected it to be easier to be a little less heart wrenching but it wasn't.. It was heart shatteringly difficult.. And my sentiments are simply I just can't do this.. I just want my baby back I want him back so badly it kills.. 
So my 'Tis the seasons are Tis the season to cry Tis the season to feel heart break Tis the season to be heartbroken.. And while everyone is thinking about all the material things they want and so on I just want my baby wrapped in my arms, my now 2yo toddler who should be running and going nuts and cuddling sweetly til he passes out in my arms I want him back I need him but I won't have him not even a glimpse 😭😭

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

There should be one more..

I was asked last night how many kids I had my immediate response was 6.. I have six living kids that I am shopping for that I am getting things for.. But my actual thought was 7. I have seven kids and I bravely said I've actually had 7 but lost my son.  There should be one more another little boy running around well at least learning to walk and toddle around..  A little blonde haired brown eyed little boy, playing carefree screeching with his brothers and sisters. However, I'm resigned to the fact that he is the little Cardinal who flies through our back yard chirping away.. While everything with in me screams there should be one more the one you aren't seeing today.. It breaks my heart that the one more isn't here isn't doing the things he should be, that his brothers and sisters are missing him fiercely. 

My heart aches for that one more only having his tiny hand prints and footprints a little teddy bear with an engraved heart with his initials. It's not enough. I'm missing his laugh his cry his possible terrible twos starting to develop his personality, the toddler hugs and kisses. I'm missing so much more then anyone could ever conceive.. With anything that we do or anything I think about I'm always thinking but there should be one more..

One of the kids asked me how will the baby ever know her older brother and that broke my heart. We will just have to tell her about him. But is that enough?? It feels like there should be more only there isn't. 

Saturday, June 13, 2015

They remember

Sometimes I sit here and think about whether the kids will remember the brother they lost so young and so fragile. Tonight while I was cleaning a few things up Joshua says to me out of the blue quite frankly I really miss Ethan cause he is so far away.. I begin to cry and say yes he is he is very far away sweet heart, Joshua says He was really good and you were good too you did good but he's sleeping.. He was really strong like me do you remember mom?? 😭😭😭 yes I remember. How does Joshua remember these things? He had just turned 2? 

The fact that he remembers brings me to tears the fact that he knows brings me tears. I don't ever want him to forget his brother but it hurts so so bad knowing that he is gone and never coming back. It's ok to miss him.. I do.. I miss him all the time..