Wishing for steady

I keep going back and forth in my mind and with my emotions. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm cautiously optimistic. I want to get excited, but last time that happened ALL hope was swept away by a ginormous earthquake followed by the tsunami of epic proportion. Then came the aftershocks, and after effects and now its like I'm stuck. People who I trusted broke ALL trust and now like a turtle I'm in this impenetrable shell. I feel like not only was I being kicked while I was down but someone more like 10 someones were all taking a sledge hammer to me and pounding me in as hard as they could. I'm still just so scared of what is yet to come. I know I shouldn't be, I know I should be looking forward and counting my blessings but its a hell of a lot easier to say that to someone then to do it. 

I was told the other day I didn't have to do this alone.. HA, what so I count on you and you turn my weakness to your advantage? So I let you back in to my life that you so lovingly tried to destroy what so in a few months I can pick the pieces back up and try to put my life back together? Yeah sounds GREAT to me.. I've done that one too many times now. I refuse to do that again. I need to breathe but I can't I almost don't want to. Don't get me wrong I'm not giving up by any means I almost never surrender. I just wish there was some way to change everything that was happening. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and tell my self what was coming, even though it was my biggest fear, even though I more then half expected it. 

I guess these are the ups and downs of life. I really could do without any ups or downs for a LONG LONG while. I would love a steady pace a straight road. ANYTHING but this up down up down up down up down stuff. I know that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed it can move mountains. (Matthew 17:20 He told them, "Because of your lack of faith. I tell you with certainty, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.) OK I have faith. I know everything will be ok but seriously I don't want to be here. I never wanted to be here. I wanted everything to go smoothly. Why why why why why why why.. Its what I keep asking myself. 

Tomorrow is one full week since I've had my baby, one full week since I've held him in my arms. One full week since I have been able to do anything for him. How will he even realize who I am? Its tearing me apart inside. He hasn't cried or anything since birth. I know he's in pain though I know he hurts. God why does this have to be so tough???? DAMN it mountain MOVE!! GET OUT OF MY WAY!! 

http://youtu.be/qvB9UV3VEsA

OAR Lyrics – Shattered (Turn The Car Around)

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it’s always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There’s more I need
It’s always back to you

But I’m good without ya
Yeah, I’m good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I’m good without ya
Yeah, I’m good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around

Remember who you are

Rafiki: [after guiding Simba to a spot where he says will show him Mufasa] Look down there.
Adult Simba: [looks into a pool of water] That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
Rafiki: No, look harder.
[touches the water, as it ripples Simba's reflection changes to that of his father]
Rafiki: You see? He lives in you.
Mufasa's ghost: [from above] Simba.
Adult Simba: Father?
Mufasa's ghost: [apears among the stars] Simba, you have forgotten me.
Adult Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa's ghost: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
Adult Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa's ghost: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember...

Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back will mean facing my past. I've been running from it for so long.
[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.
[laughs]
Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.
[swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way]
Rafiki: Ha. You see? So what are you going to do?
Adult Simba: First, I'm gonna take your stick.
[Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]
Rafiki: No,no, not the stick! Hey, where you going?
Adult Simba: I'm going back!
Rafiki: Good! Go on! Get out of here!
[Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly]



Ahh the Lion King probably one of my all time favorite movies. This is probably my favorite part of the movie, that Mufasa telling his son Remember who you are. Then reality sets in and simba knows what he has to do, along comes Rafiki, smacks him upside the head and his comment It doesn't matter its in the past. To me its that moment of realization, that moment of AHHA its like we all go through it at some point. We all have that "Rafiki moment" to smack us up side the head, and guess what it doesn't matter its in the past. Its time to move forward, grab the task ahead and push on. Do we want to not always.

I know right now the last place I want to be is here in the hospital, the last thing I want to think about is  all the stress and all the situations over the last year that got me to where I am today. I know I need to take the time to reflect, and take the time to "remember who I am". After all it is how we are shaped and remembering helps us to not make the same mistakes again, it even helps us with proceeding down a road we have already been down so that we can grow stronger and learn more about ourselves. It helps us discover our strengths and weaknesses, and to build upon them.

Life isn't easy and it certainly isn't fair, but we aren't going to get anywhere if we continue to hide from our past. I'm learning to put one foot in front of the other, I'm learning that I am stronger then I give myself credit for. I said I wouldn't survive going through another baby in the NICU, but here I am day 5 and I am still standing, and even though I feel like everything around me is crumbling, I'm still surviving this time its worse, and yes it hurts and yes its crazy but I'm getting through it. I'm learning that even when I feel weak, I can be stronger then strong. I can stand up to the bullies, I can stand up to the guilt and the people who are trying to put me down. Yes, I'd rather not have to go through all the garbage people are throwing at me ON top of whats already happening but I'm surviving, and remembering who I am, a good mother, good wife, and a strong woman. I don't need to find myself I may need to find the strength but I am remembering and holding on to who I am.

I was asked that a couple days ago Who are you? The other day I didn't have a response. However,  I was asked that again today, and today I said I am a mom who is protecting her child. Its my job and like it or not as my husband would say you mess with the bull you get the horns. I'm not going to let anyone put me down or try to take me down further. Much like Simba i am standing up to the "Scar" in my life and taking back what is rightfully mine, being who I am and remembering where I came from, taking my place in the circle. I may not be exactly who I used to be but I don't have to be I don't have to be what everyone remembers as me, after all I have grown up I have changed I am learning from my past. I am the queen of my house though and anyone who tries to get in my way watch out.

Its the little things

I notice that all to often we are thinking about what is coming next. This past week has been no exception. My son Joshua was born on Friday. took a horrible turn for the worse and is in the NICU and every day I keep asking what is gonna happen next. His lack of breathing, has been so alarming to me, that when I look I keep looking for that sign of him taking a breath. I need optimism I need a sign of hope. So I keep asking what is gonna happen next. Its always one of my questions to the Dr, when will we do this when will we do that. So far there hasn't been much to be optimistic about cause every day has been a step backward. More often then not no one wants to move back or look back, they keep wanting to look forward to what happens next. Who wants to take a step backwards, when what happens next can be completely unexpected. Even though the idea of knowing what will happen next keeps moving us along, maybe its the thrill of the unexpected good or bad that keeps us looking to what is coming. 

I want to know more then anything when tomorrow comes I can hold my baby or I can see improvement, but I have to take it one step, one breath, one day at a time. The nurses keep saying Joshua is teaching me patience. I have 5 kids now I have to have patience, patience is a virtue. Sometimes all I want to ask is why do I have to learn patience in this way. It almost seems cruel no actually it is cruel to think that someone needs to have their child deteriorate in front of them to learn patience. My take on it is its teaching me to accept the small victories, and look at the little steps as little as they may seem as a huge step in the right direction. Giving me a little more faith, a little more hope, and a little more optimism. Its teaching me to focus on the little things the positive things and don't worry so much about the negative. So really it is about the small things, the small steps we take in life to get us to the next spot where we have to be.