A new year is not a magical reset

New Years resolutions abound, people tell you, oh this next year will be amazing this next year will bring so many good memories. Those people don't have crystal balls those people are just feeding a line that's been fed year after year.  The past few years I went into the new year with the most positive of attitudes it has to be better then the year before right?? HELL NO!! That shit is one great big lie.. The ringing in of a new year doesn't mean there's some magical dial that makes everything good. Things still suck things bad things are still gonna happen. 2014, January hit I lost my son, I now hate the month of January, let's see January alone I've lost a grand mother grand father son a good friend another grandfather, my sister moved to another state.. January is not a great month. Granted I've also had another son and a daughter both born in January. But the new year isn't some magical reset. It doesn't wipe away the pain and grief from the year or years before  for a lot of us it brings about more pain and more grief with the realization of how long our love ones have been gone.. Trying to find the positive in a new year seems to become more difficult as the years go on. I broke down in the grocery store last year on New Year's Eve because I didn't want to have the new year come the new year meant I'd been with out my son for a year. I cried and cried walking through the store because it was so painful to think of. This past year my kids lost their nana so as the new year approaches its going to be a year without her. 

As far as resolutions go most people stop trying and drop their resolutions by mid January. So much for resolutions.! I don't know what this next year will hold I don't know what more could happen, but i know the new year is still too painful to think about still too painful of a reminder of things hat have happened. Yes I know there are good things like birthdays and other holidays but there are still many painful days to get through, I do wish some people would recognize that with the coming of a new year that generates a painful feeling not a good feeling or a feeling of relief.  

"You have the worst luck ever"

People say that way to often someone gets in an accident "omg you have the worst luck ever" it would seem as though people don't know what it is to have the worst luck ever.. Like suddenly losing a loved one because of a heart attack or getting a cancer diagnosis or suddenly losing your baby to sids then less than a week later losing another loved one.. No one says that person has the worst luck ever. But seriously that a bad grouping of bad luck people are so quick to say things with out thinking. Guess what it could have been 1000x worse.. So what your car got a booboo you didn't your not laid up your car isn't totalled you aren't in critical condition I think that's pretty damn good luck if you ask me.. It drives me nuts when people make a mountain out of an ant hill and make the most mundane things seem like "the worst things ever" 

'Tis the season

Everyone says it all the time 'tis the season.. Everyone is thinking about what they want what they need what has to be done. Me? I spent my day crying. I needed to hang the ribbons on my tree, the last time i used them though my son was still alive he was only a couple months old he was so sweet not quite yet smiling but is face so precious. I cried a lot while putting those ribbons on. I didn't use them last year I couldn't I just couldn't bring myself to using them, in fact I barely put ornaments on the tree.. Last year I expected to be difficult. Not this year I expected it to be easier to be a little less heart wrenching but it wasn't.. It was heart shatteringly difficult.. And my sentiments are simply I just can't do this.. I just want my baby back I want him back so badly it kills.. 

So my 'Tis the seasons are Tis the season to cry Tis the season to feel heart break Tis the season to be heartbroken.. And while everyone is thinking about all the material things they want and so on I just want my baby wrapped in my arms, my now 2yo toddler who should be running and going nuts and cuddling sweetly til he passes out in my arms I want him back I need him but I won't have him not even a glimpse 😭😭

There should be one more..

I was asked last night how many kids I had my immediate response was 6.. I have six living kids that I am shopping for that I am getting things for.. But my actual thought was 7. I have seven kids and I bravely said I've actually had 7 but lost my son.  There should be one more another little boy running around well at least learning to walk and toddle around..  A little blonde haired brown eyed little boy, playing carefree screeching with his brothers and sisters. However, I'm resigned to the fact that he is the little Cardinal who flies through our back yard chirping away.. While everything with in me screams there should be one more the one you aren't seeing today.. It breaks my heart that the one more isn't here isn't doing the things he should be, that his brothers and sisters are missing him fiercely. 

My heart aches for that one more only having his tiny hand prints and footprints a little teddy bear with an engraved heart with his initials. It's not enough. I'm missing his laugh his cry his possible terrible twos starting to develop his personality, the toddler hugs and kisses. I'm missing so much more then anyone could ever conceive.. With anything that we do or anything I think about I'm always thinking but there should be one more..

One of the kids asked me how will the baby ever know her older brother and that broke my heart. We will just have to tell her about him. But is that enough?? It feels like there should be more only there isn't. 

They remember

Sometimes I sit here and think about whether the kids will remember the brother they lost so young and so fragile. Tonight while I was cleaning a few things up Joshua says to me out of the blue quite frankly I really miss Ethan cause he is so far away.. I begin to cry and say yes he is he is very far away sweet heart, Joshua says He was really good and you were good too you did good but he's sleeping.. He was really strong like me do you remember mom?? 😭😭😭 yes I remember. How does Joshua remember these things? He had just turned 2? 

The fact that he remembers brings me to tears the fact that he knows brings me tears. I don't ever want him to forget his brother but it hurts so so bad knowing that he is gone and never coming back. It's ok to miss him.. I do.. I miss him all the time.. 

Mother's Day.

A day that's supposed to be happy and full of grateful feelings. Instead, I feel sad. Of course I have plenty of reasons to be happy, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have my children, but one is still missing.. The pain that comes from that is so overwhelming. My beautiful little boy taken so soon. I miss him I miss his smile I miss his soft skin and beautiful eyes. My heart breaks because his existence was so short, yet it was real he was here he was loved he was cherished, but now that he's gone it's as if so many people forget him.. Even I leave him out on occasion. People ask how many kids do you have and the easy answer is 5. The true answer is 6. Trying to explain that your youngest passed away people give you this look, or say something incredibly hard like oh he's in a better place.. No, please I can't bare to hear that.. But he's left out of most things left off of cards, as if he wasn't here. I carried him for 9 months I loved him with a love that some couldn't even imagine. I wanted this boy with everything within me. 

I ask God why why did he have to go so soon, it hurts so bad. Then there are times I see the beautiful little red cardinal and I know Ethan is there.. While it's comforting  it's bittersweet because the mama in me wants him in my arms. I want to give him one more hug see one more smile tell him just how much I love him. Hold his sweet little body close and tell him everything he deserves to hear, and those are the things I want for Mother's Day. I don't really want anything else. I just want to see all of my kids running happy and free loving life. I want to give them all hugs and watch them picking flowers innocent and carefree. They all are what makes me a mom. I am grateful for them all of them and I appreciate watching them and seeing them enjoy but I still miss my youngest my son my sweet baby.. 

The innocence is gone

It's more then the innocence, it's the joy the hope the dreams.. All of those things are gone. 

I can never look at a sleeping child the same way again. If a nap is longer then I think it should be my heart gallops to the wrong conclusion. The rush of anxiety that overcomes me and makes me rush to see that they are still breathing still living still with me. 

I can never look at pregnancy the same. I can be happy for those who have that life growing with in them but the thoughts of all that can go wrong plague my thoughts. The fear for that mother to never have to experience what i have. 

The hope for what was to be is gone the joy of watching that life unfold before me taken. Stolen. A piece of me, a very large piece of who I am who I was lost that day.  

The joy of new life the innocence that new life brings to you all stolen. And never ever to be the same because I know what it's like to lose I know what it's like to have it all taken away and my heart breaks for that innocence gone from me.