'Tis the season

Everyone says it all the time 'tis the season.. Everyone is thinking about what they want what they need what has to be done. Me? I spent my day crying. I needed to hang the ribbons on my tree, the last time i used them though my son was still alive he was only a couple months old he was so sweet not quite yet smiling but is face so precious. I cried a lot while putting those ribbons on. I didn't use them last year I couldn't I just couldn't bring myself to using them, in fact I barely put ornaments on the tree.. Last year I expected to be difficult. Not this year I expected it to be easier to be a little less heart wrenching but it wasn't.. It was heart shatteringly difficult.. And my sentiments are simply I just can't do this.. I just want my baby back I want him back so badly it kills.. 

So my 'Tis the seasons are Tis the season to cry Tis the season to feel heart break Tis the season to be heartbroken.. And while everyone is thinking about all the material things they want and so on I just want my baby wrapped in my arms, my now 2yo toddler who should be running and going nuts and cuddling sweetly til he passes out in my arms I want him back I need him but I won't have him not even a glimpse 😭😭