A new year is not a magical reset

New Years resolutions abound, people tell you, oh this next year will be amazing this next year will bring so many good memories. Those people don't have crystal balls those people are just feeding a line that's been fed year after year.  The past few years I went into the new year with the most positive of attitudes it has to be better then the year before right?? HELL NO!! That shit is one great big lie.. The ringing in of a new year doesn't mean there's some magical dial that makes everything good. Things still suck things bad things are still gonna happen. 2014, January hit I lost my son, I now hate the month of January, let's see January alone I've lost a grand mother grand father son a good friend another grandfather, my sister moved to another state.. January is not a great month. Granted I've also had another son and a daughter both born in January. But the new year isn't some magical reset. It doesn't wipe away the pain and grief from the year or years before  for a lot of us it brings about more pain and more grief with the realization of how long our love ones have been gone.. Trying to find the positive in a new year seems to become more difficult as the years go on. I broke down in the grocery store last year on New Year's Eve because I didn't want to have the new year come the new year meant I'd been with out my son for a year. I cried and cried walking through the store because it was so painful to think of. This past year my kids lost their nana so as the new year approaches its going to be a year without her. 

As far as resolutions go most people stop trying and drop their resolutions by mid January. So much for resolutions.! I don't know what this next year will hold I don't know what more could happen, but i know the new year is still too painful to think about still too painful of a reminder of things hat have happened. Yes I know there are good things like birthdays and other holidays but there are still many painful days to get through, I do wish some people would recognize that with the coming of a new year that generates a painful feeling not a good feeling or a feeling of relief.  

"You have the worst luck ever"

People say that way to often someone gets in an accident "omg you have the worst luck ever" it would seem as though people don't know what it is to have the worst luck ever.. Like suddenly losing a loved one because of a heart attack or getting a cancer diagnosis or suddenly losing your baby to sids then less than a week later losing another loved one.. No one says that person has the worst luck ever. But seriously that a bad grouping of bad luck people are so quick to say things with out thinking. Guess what it could have been 1000x worse.. So what your car got a booboo you didn't your not laid up your car isn't totalled you aren't in critical condition I think that's pretty damn good luck if you ask me.. It drives me nuts when people make a mountain out of an ant hill and make the most mundane things seem like "the worst things ever" 

'Tis the season

Everyone says it all the time 'tis the season.. Everyone is thinking about what they want what they need what has to be done. Me? I spent my day crying. I needed to hang the ribbons on my tree, the last time i used them though my son was still alive he was only a couple months old he was so sweet not quite yet smiling but is face so precious. I cried a lot while putting those ribbons on. I didn't use them last year I couldn't I just couldn't bring myself to using them, in fact I barely put ornaments on the tree.. Last year I expected to be difficult. Not this year I expected it to be easier to be a little less heart wrenching but it wasn't.. It was heart shatteringly difficult.. And my sentiments are simply I just can't do this.. I just want my baby back I want him back so badly it kills.. 

So my 'Tis the seasons are Tis the season to cry Tis the season to feel heart break Tis the season to be heartbroken.. And while everyone is thinking about all the material things they want and so on I just want my baby wrapped in my arms, my now 2yo toddler who should be running and going nuts and cuddling sweetly til he passes out in my arms I want him back I need him but I won't have him not even a glimpse 😭😭