Not a Day Goes by.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about my son. He's been gone for four long agonizing years now. Every single day my heart aches to know him, to know what kind of little boy he would be. To see his personality blossom to know that he was my sweet little loving boy. I miss him so much. Every part of me misses him. Every part of me just wants more. I loved him so so much, I still love him, but he's gone so the love that I have for him feels as if there's no place for it to go. I hold on to it because in a way i feel like its me holding on to him.

In september he would be starting kindergarten. The time i would have had him all to my self would be coming to an end and i would be getting ready to send him off to the school. We missed being able to go on the bus ride the other day. You know the one ive gone on with all the kids where they get so excited that they get to ride the big yellow school bus for the first time. We missed that. I missed that. All the things we will never get to do. All the times i could be doing this or that.

There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think about him, or how much i love and miss him. There isn't a day that goes by where i wish i still had him. where i wish i could hug him hold him kiss him.

A grieving mother

A Grieving Mother,

She could be any one you know, she doesn’t wear a badge or cape or crown her tears are all that marks her face 

She looks like any other woman you see 

But hides her fears her pain and tears from you and me 

She cries in the shower where no one will know or at night so no one can see her tear stained pillow 

She carries a weight so monumental

And has a hole in her heart that’s beyond repair

At night she dreams of her sweet child only to wake up to her torturous reality her child is gone and they aren’t coming back

You may see her with a smile but don’t be fooled by what you see underneath that smile is more pain than you can imagine 

She will hold things in to make you more comfortable because she knows the truth can leave one broken. 

She goes about her day just like everyone else but wonders often about how it could or should have been

The love she has in her heart is so pure and true because she knows what it means to have love and lost she also knows what it means to have her love stretch between heaven and earth.. 

Her strength carries her from day to day even when she feels like she’ll never make it

She’s lost more than just her child she’s lost who she was and she will never be the same her life is now split in two 

Many will tell her with time it will get better, or time heals all wounds but the truth is the loss of her child is one that time can’t erase how can one get past losing a piece of themselves. 

Children aren’t supposed to go before their parents 

She knows that the worst case scenario can happen and prays it never happens again 

So when you see a grieving mother know that there’s more there than what you see be kind be gracious she’s living her worst nightmare day after day something she wouldn’t wish on anyone ever 

#grief
#childloss
#heartbreak