Wishing for steady

I keep going back and forth in my mind and with my emotions. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm cautiously optimistic. I want to get excited, but last time that happened ALL hope was swept away by a ginormous earthquake followed by the tsunami of epic proportion. Then came the aftershocks, and after effects and now its like I'm stuck. People who I trusted broke ALL trust and now like a turtle I'm in this impenetrable shell. I feel like not only was I being kicked while I was down but someone more like 10 someones were all taking a sledge hammer to me and pounding me in as hard as they could. I'm still just so scared of what is yet to come. I know I shouldn't be, I know I should be looking forward and counting my blessings but its a hell of a lot easier to say that to someone then to do it. 

I was told the other day I didn't have to do this alone.. HA, what so I count on you and you turn my weakness to your advantage? So I let you back in to my life that you so lovingly tried to destroy what so in a few months I can pick the pieces back up and try to put my life back together? Yeah sounds GREAT to me.. I've done that one too many times now. I refuse to do that again. I need to breathe but I can't I almost don't want to. Don't get me wrong I'm not giving up by any means I almost never surrender. I just wish there was some way to change everything that was happening. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and tell my self what was coming, even though it was my biggest fear, even though I more then half expected it. 

I guess these are the ups and downs of life. I really could do without any ups or downs for a LONG LONG while. I would love a steady pace a straight road. ANYTHING but this up down up down up down up down stuff. I know that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed it can move mountains. (Matthew 17:20 He told them, "Because of your lack of faith. I tell you with certainty, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.) OK I have faith. I know everything will be ok but seriously I don't want to be here. I never wanted to be here. I wanted everything to go smoothly. Why why why why why why why.. Its what I keep asking myself. 

Tomorrow is one full week since I've had my baby, one full week since I've held him in my arms. One full week since I have been able to do anything for him. How will he even realize who I am? Its tearing me apart inside. He hasn't cried or anything since birth. I know he's in pain though I know he hurts. God why does this have to be so tough???? DAMN it mountain MOVE!! GET OUT OF MY WAY!! 

http://youtu.be/qvB9UV3VEsA

OAR Lyrics – Shattered (Turn The Car Around)

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it’s always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There’s more I need
It’s always back to you

But I’m good without ya
Yeah, I’m good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I’m good without ya
Yeah, I’m good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around