Its the little things

I notice that all to often we are thinking about what is coming next. This past week has been no exception. My son Joshua was born on Friday. took a horrible turn for the worse and is in the NICU and every day I keep asking what is gonna happen next. His lack of breathing, has been so alarming to me, that when I look I keep looking for that sign of him taking a breath. I need optimism I need a sign of hope. So I keep asking what is gonna happen next. Its always one of my questions to the Dr, when will we do this when will we do that. So far there hasn't been much to be optimistic about cause every day has been a step backward. More often then not no one wants to move back or look back, they keep wanting to look forward to what happens next. Who wants to take a step backwards, when what happens next can be completely unexpected. Even though the idea of knowing what will happen next keeps moving us along, maybe its the thrill of the unexpected good or bad that keeps us looking to what is coming. 

I want to know more then anything when tomorrow comes I can hold my baby or I can see improvement, but I have to take it one step, one breath, one day at a time. The nurses keep saying Joshua is teaching me patience. I have 5 kids now I have to have patience, patience is a virtue. Sometimes all I want to ask is why do I have to learn patience in this way. It almost seems cruel no actually it is cruel to think that someone needs to have their child deteriorate in front of them to learn patience. My take on it is its teaching me to accept the small victories, and look at the little steps as little as they may seem as a huge step in the right direction. Giving me a little more faith, a little more hope, and a little more optimism. Its teaching me to focus on the little things the positive things and don't worry so much about the negative. So really it is about the small things, the small steps we take in life to get us to the next spot where we have to be.